


X-Men: the Closet

by BrockHardick



Category: X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Comedy, Forced diversity, Homosexuality, Male Homosexuality, Meta, Metafiction, Other, Superheroes, slightly homophobic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:07:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28528962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrockHardick/pseuds/BrockHardick
Summary: The X-Men must make a difficult choice when faced with their most dangerous foe yet.





	X-Men: the Closet

A flood of colors burst into the X-mansion meeting room as Wolverine, Jubilee, Storm, Rogue, Beast, Colossus and Gambit rushed in. Wolverine's claws were already out, ready for action.

-We came as fast as we could, Chuck- said Logan, looking in every direction for a threat. His enhanced sense of smell did not detect any presence in the room besides Xavier, Jean and that stuck-up asshole Cyclops, but some of the X-Men's enemies didn't give out any odor.

-What's the threat, Magneto, Apocalypse, Sentinels?- asked Beast, going through the mental Rolodex of their enemies.

-No, no and no- answered Cyclops, who was already in the room indeed.

-Sinister? The Shi'ar? The Brood?- asked Storm.

-Again, no,no and no. Listen...-replied Cyclops, but the Profesdor moved forward with his hovering chair to put an end to the enumeration.

\- Thank you for coming so quickly, my students. This time we don't face any one of our traditional enemies- he said from behind his crossed hands like Gendo Ikari.- I'm afraid it is... the fans.

-We have fans??- asked Jubilee, adjusting her yellow shades which had almost fallen off out of sheer shock. The Professor's dramatic pauses were particularly effective with her.

-He's going meta, kid- said Wolverine, realizing the situation. His claws retracted with a loud "snikt".

-Apparently, they think the team is not diverse enough.- said Cyclops, trying to regain control of the conversation. He was the field leader, after all.

-That's bullshit, Slim-replied Wolverine, making sure to use Cyclops most casual nickname to remind him of his lack of authority in the presence of Xavier.

-Watch your language in front of the Professor, Logan- replied Cyclops, following suit.

-Fuck you, Slim. This was the first superhero team that wasn't mostly composed of white males, and the first one to have a female African-American leader. What more diversity do you want?

-We have the race and gender angles covered, as you correctly mentioned, -answered Cyclops- but we don't hit enough marks with the LGBTQ community.

-You can't possibly mean... -said Wolverine, claws about to come out again.

-Yes, Logan, I'm afraid that's what I'm saying.- said Cyclops, pausing for effect just like the Professor himself.- One of us will have to turn gay.

Everybody moaned in protest at the same time, and Cyclops could pick up words like "quota" "woke" and "snowflakes". He stepped forward as he saw that they were starting to turn towards the entrance again.

-Listen, team, we know it is a difficult decision to make, that's why we are asking if anybody wants to volunteer.

-It can't be Jean or Scott because doing so would cancel decades of a fan-favorite romantic relationship, and we don't want another "One More Day" situation.- said the Professor.

-How fucking convenient, Chuck.-said Wolverine.

-Language, Logan.

-Sorry. How fucking convenient, Professor.

-What about Northstar?- asked Storm, leaning against the wall- He's been gay since forever.

-Northstar is a gay mutant but not a full-time X-Man- replied Cyclops.- Besides, he's Canadian. Canadians don't count. How about you, Ororo? You are already pretty open minded about sexuality in general, so it wouldn't come off as much of a surprise.

\- But I already represent African-Americans, Scott. How many representation boxes do you want to stack on me?

-Good point. Colossus?

\- Been there, done that. Didn't work. Also, you don't want to upset the Russian.

\- Jubilee?

-Asians.

-Hank?

-Furries.

-Gambit?

-Decades of a fan-favorite romantic relationship?

\- Good point. Scratch Rogue, too.

-How about you, Logan- said Cyclops, looking intently in Wolverine's direction.- We could say that your hyper macho attitude has always been a cover for...

-Canadians don't count, remember?

-Damn, well played. -said Cyclops, barely managing to hide his disappointment behind his oversized ruby qwartz visor.

-It is obvious that we are not going to reach a conclusion right now, and everybody has presented a very valid position, so we will discuss it and let you know what our decision is- said the Professor in a soothing voice- Meeting adjoined.

The X-Men trickled out of the room going back to their business without ever thinking about the incident again... because the Professor was erasing their memory of it as they left.

The door of the sanctum closed, and Jean, Scott and the Professor were once again alone.

-Well, that didn't turn out the way we expected, did it?- said a frustrated Cyclops.

-It is a difficult, life-changing decision, Scott- said Jean.- You can not fault them.

\- True, but that leaves us right back where we started. What are our options?

-From the third generation forward, every student checks at least one diversity box, is in a relationship that would have to be undone, or looks so inhuman that their sexuality doesn't matter. -informed the Professor- Besides, they are not what people have in their minds when they think "X-Men". I would know. We would have to go with founding members, to make it count.

-Warren?- asked Scott.

-I thought of him, but he has gone through a lot already, hasn't he?- said Jean- Do we want to dump this on him too?

\- Well, that leaves only one option. -said the Professor.

Robert "Bobby" Drake was on his kees on the floor next to his bed, pressing his ears with his hands to try to shut the voices up. But the voices weren't shutting up, because they were inside his head. The motherly voice of Jean Grey, and the calm yet commanding voice of Professor Charles Xavier were rearranging his subconscious without him being able to do anything to defend himself except scream

-Get out of my head! Get out of my heaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAA...

-Bobby... you're gaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy

And the last portion of his straight coscience faded away in horror as Bobby got a boner from a picture of Noah Centineo.

***

  
The expresionless mechanical features of Machine Man looked at Uatu the Watcher as the events were being described.

-AND THAT IS HOW ICEMAN TURNED GAY. IT IS CANON.- concluded the Watcher.

Only Machine Man's delay in replying betrayed his puzzlement.

-But, master, how do they plan to justify it? Wasn't him hitting on Firestar all the time when they used to live together with Peter Parker?

-DO NOT QUESTION ME OR I WILL MAKE YOU GAY FOR THE VISION. IN CANON.

-But we are machines, our sexuality is...

\- OH, YOU'RE GETTING YOUR REAR PLUG READY?

Machine Man remained silent.

-GOOD. NOW FETCH THE WAX. MY SCALP IS GETTING PRICKY AGAIN.

The end.


End file.
